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Yesterday as I stood ready to leave my office to pick up my daughters from school, it dawned on me that I had personally driven my son to school. This is unusual because he takes the bus. My enlightened moment also caused me to realize that I needed to pick him up. This lead to panic since I needed to be in two places at once – picking up my son and picking up my daughters.

 

I quickly made a phone call to have someone else pick up my daughters while I rushed to pick up my son. Impatience reigned supreme as I tried to jump into traffic while trying to see around massive mounds of snow. The Lord tapped at my heart and although I didn’t thank God for the snow ( in everything give thanks?? ) I did remember that God was El Shadai and I thanked Him for that.

 

Jumping onto Highbury my steering wheel started to shake. Well, I thought, it is Hybury and maybe it’s just the road. But as I traveled onward a sick feeling entered the pit of my stomach ( was that lunch? – no), what if I got onto the 401 and had car troubles! I didn’t want to even think about that horrible event. So I pulled off at the Flying J and checked my tires. Nope, no flats. What to do next? Call the all-knowing husband! I walked into the Flying J to use their pay phone. It wouldn’t work. Frustration is beginning to rise.
 
I’m thinking that I’m already late to pick up my son. I forgot my son, how could I forget my son! Is he all right? Is he waiting in the cold? My mind goes racing back to the time my dad forgot to pick me up and how angry I was at him. Now I’ve done the exact same thing!! Guilt, fear, worry are quickly taking over my thought life.

This is not good. The guy on the other working pay phone is obviously into a long conversation, not going to get that phone anytime soon! I’ll see if Denny’s will let me use their phone. I told the girl my sad tale of my broken car and she let me use the phone. Are you with me? Because this is where it gets real interesting. I get done calling the church office to call my husband because he’s long distance and I didn’t want to advantage of the kindness I’d been given – and there’s Tim Wiebe.

 Tim explains that the twenty years he’s been working at well, his work, he had never had to come out to the Flying J to drop off a kid. But there he was today. God is so gracious to us isn’t He? Not until Tim had generously lent me his cell phone and plans had been put in place as to how to get me out of this mess did I begin to feel how tightly my stomach had been wound up in knots, how close I had been to tears.

 In the end, there was nothing wrong with the car ( snow and ice had packed up around the wheels had caused the wobble ) and I picked up my son two hours later than the expected time. It wasn’t until much later that I had time to reflect on what had happened. The God of peace showed me where peace was not reigning in my heart.

 “And, why do you think that was Penny?”

“Well, I’m guessing Lord, that it was because of pride because those are the verses you keep showing me in my devotions.”

 “Do you understand why that is?”

 “No, not quite Lord.”

 “Look back at the definition you’ve been studying.”

 So I go back to the definition I found in Mahaney’s book “Humility”. Pride is when I desire or crave the status and position of God and refuse to acknowledge dependence on God. Pride is taking over God’s throne in my heart so I can do what I want and receive the praise I deserve. I can claim authority and praise as my own.

 “How is it that when I fear man, when I am afraid of others and make decisions about what I will say or do based on that fear, I am being proud Lord, I don’t understand.”

 God is so good. Did I mention that already? I need pictures sometimes to see things clearly and He gave me a good one. I am like a horse with blinders on. Either I can look to God and believe His truth about anything/everything or I can look to people and believe their truth about anything/everything.  What I think about influences what I feel. People's praise when I do what pleases them is very pleasing to my ears and my heart and their screams when I don’t do what pleases them, their disappointment in me or the fear I might loose their love all – well – make my stomach turn in knots.

 “But Lord, it feels almost unloving of me to not listen to people, even rude.”

 “Penny, not listening to man but listening to God is not, not caring but in fact liberating to fully love.”

 “ O Lord, I’m in trouble. How do I crucify the praise and the screams, Lord?”

 “Keep your eyes focused on Me and My Truth at all times. Moment by moment pray for the death of pride in your life.”

You may wonder, what does this have to do with what happened to her? In that moment I got myself all worked up about what my son thought about me, whether I would loose his love. That was the moment I took my eyes off Jesus and lost the peace that passes understanding, the giant warning signal that things were not all right between God and me. Pride was in the way. The moment I started worrying about his welfare was the moment I was telling God, "No, you are messing up. I'll take over and make things right with my worry." Sounds kind of rediculuous of me when I see it that way.


 Disclaimer: God does not audibly speak to me, this is just a writer’s tool to show what He’s been showing me in His Word. I know you know that, I just don’t know who else is reading this and thinking me a nut case. Oops, there I go again, thinking about what others think of me.

 Penny Laird